Let’s take a look at the types of romantic relationships we choose to be in. If you’ve lost faith in the fact that you CAN find love, there is a soul-searching solution for finding a fulfilling and loving relationship. 

Women who have many things going for them, I see it often. They are intelligent, savvy and accomplished. They know exactly what they want in a man. After all, they have been honing and adding to this list for many years. This wish list for the ideal man usually includes things like physical attractiveness, financial security and kindness. (In that order.) 

With this list, a woman hopes for her ideal man to come forward. What is all too common is that the woman is told that she is being too picky and then forgoes her high standards from her list and falls for Mr. Wrong. 

It is true that a physical connection and financial security are important to a relationship but why does kindness typically come afterwards? Isn’t kindness just as important?

Mr. Wrong is usually attractive, financial stable and fun. This fun is mistaken for kindness. When she realizes that he is not kind, she has already become physically and emotionally involved and despite the red flags, she stays.

The first step in knowing if you are ready for true love is to ensure that you know exactly who you are and what you want. Make a list of your values and what you need and want from a relationship. Include as many items as you can think of ~ things that you absolutely need, things that you really want and things that you would like to have. Do not forget the things that are deal breakers.

Put some deep thought into this. Maybe all your life you thought that you have been attracted to a certain type of guy and you have never been happy. Maybe you have always been attracted to outgoing, life-of-the-party, bad boy types. Maybe you have never found the right guy because you always find something wrong with him. Maybe you have been saving yourself for the perfect man and yet, you are nowhere near perfection yourself. For example, you want a fit and athletic man who spends all of his time with you and lives in a mansion. Unless he has won the lottery or is independently wealthy, he will probably not be spending all of his time with you. He has to share his time with his job and staying fit.

Writing down in list form what is important to you as you approach your ideal relationship is the first step in unraveling who you really are. It also adds deductive reasoning to an emotional issue. Seeking a relationship is easy. Finding the RIGHT relationship takes intention.

Since there is a direct correlation between our happiness and stress with our health, it is important to strive for healthy relationships instead of toxic ones. A healthy relationship includes gratitude, happiness and closeness as serotonin flows freely through the brain. A toxic relationship raises our heart rate and our blood pressure while putting stress on the immune system. You know if you are in a toxic relationship. You are suffering, lonely and not appreciated. All of this manifests itself as disappointment, destructive emotions and most likely physical symptoms. I am not suggesting that you try to turn an emotionally or physically abusive relationship around. Simply ask yourself what it is about the relationship that brings you up and brings you down. From there you can make choices about what things you can accept and what is absolutely not negotiable. A healthy relationship evokes feelings of value, worth and intimacy. It does not represent a lack of stress. There are challenges in any relationship. After all, a relationship blends two different souls into a oneness of spirit. Open and honest communication opens the door to overcoming obstacles and is the key to a healthy relationship.

It is your absolute right to be appreciated and valued. By taking the time out to ask yourself these tough questions, you start to develop your sense of entitlement to a life of true happiness.

The first step is to know what you truly want in your relationship. Take an honest assessment of what you wish for and make a list of things that you are grateful for and another list of what can improve. You can be grateful for everything such as companionship, common interests, kindness, honesty and physical attraction to name just a few. The same goes for the list of what can improve. These can include anything from better communication; greater trust, more attention, more affection and the list can go on. Seeing what brings you gratitude illuminates the goodness. Realizing what can improve brings to the surface what it is that you want more of and leads to exploration of why it is not present. This is a challenging process but one that is Dr. Cara Alana important to a deeper, more intimate relationship.

Take a look at your gratitude list. These all bring joy to you. Really honor these. Let’s look at the list of things that you wish for in your relationship. Now that you know what you want more of, you can strive to attract these things into your life. Ask yourself what each item means to you and what it looks like to have that in your relationship. Also think about what could be standing in the way. For instance, if you wish for greater communication, could it be that you are both getting lost in the busyness of life and losing track of the connection between the two of you? Or could it be that one or both of you has issues surrounding intimacy and closeness? Whatever the reasons may be, you can learn a great deal about yourself by looking within your relationship. Committing these lists to paper is so powerful as you release them to being the transformation process. I encourage you to take some time and reflect on your gratitude and your improvement lists. This is so important for transforming your relationship into one that is closer aligned to your ideal one.

As we begin the New Year we are excited for the changes we are all going to be making in our lives.  We want to lose weight, eat healthier, become stronger, spend more time with our loved ones, find work that brings true passion and look and feel our best. We want to make this year the year of discovery and action. With a positive attitude, so much is possible.

Attitude ~ Webster’s Dictionary defines it as “a complex mental state involving beliefs and feelings and values and dispositions to act in certain ways.”

Each of these changes begins with having a positive attitude to attract success and happiness. The word “attitude” could conjure a negative connotation since we were told by our parents to always “have a good attitude.” However, if we reframe our old thought patterns and reframe the word attitude into one that can catapult us to the next level, the word “attitude” becomes a word of hope and promise.

Think about what your ideal life looks like. Focus in on what you want to attract into your life in order to live your dream. See yourself happy and successful living your dream. Believe that you deserve it. 

From the inside, you will radiate the positive energy to sustain your through the hard times. This energy will give you the strength you need to know that joy is near.

A positive attitude has been my saving grace during challenging times. It was my soul’s way of supporting and protecting me. 

What gives you a sense of success and happiness? I encourage you to really take the time to think about this and envision what that life would look like. Keep in mind that our thoughts and priorities can change throughout our lifetime. What you wanted at age 20 may not be the same at age 40. As you grow and develop, your vision of success and happiness changes as well.

Knowing who you really are and what really makes you happy is the important first step in realizing your goals.

Setbacks and challenges are a sure part of the process. Instead of seeing them as failures, think of them as opportunities to test just how much you want what you want.

To create a positive attitude that attracts happiness and success:

First believe that you deserve it.

Second, do what needs to be done in order to experience it.

Third, step in and claim it as your right.

Success comes to those who acknowledge, honor and commit to their goals. Along the journey, limiting behaviors and thought patterns are replaced with positive ones that make it easier to walk one step in front of the next with confidence.

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Happiness is within each and every one of us and if we seek a happiness mindset daily, we can live with passion and purpose right now. The first step to happiness is releasing from the need to control others. You can only control your reactions, not how others act or react. That realization is the ultimate control. It’s not about what happens in the world around you, it’s about how you interpret it. And you do have total control over that.

When you’re trying to control the outcome, you’re at the whim of everyone and everything around you to make you feel success or failure, fulfillment or devastation. So you become extremely attached to keeping things just the way you think they should be.

This is similar to “organizational entropy”, the phenomenon that takes place when an organization loses the ability to grow because they become too attached, fixed and rigid. You experience that same degeneration when you become focused on results. All of your energy is spent defending how things are instead of discovering how things could be.

When you exercise your power to control your own interpretation, then you can detach from the outcome and stay flexible and relaxed. The outcome no longer has the power to throw you off course.

It is OK to feel like you want more control. In fact, realizing that you do have those feelings is the important first step. Once you recognize and take responsibility for those feelings, you can then honor them and your own honesty and then make a conscious effort to release those feelings. It leads to some heavy introspection. Believe me, it is a POWERFUL process!

What do you really desire? This can be a difficult question to answer, and you may not even feel clear about what a desire is. A desire is what your inner self yearns for, and dreams of. It’s what you’re really all about. When you embrace that part of yourself, you can let joy take over, and enter into the state of flow that will carry you through the action steps that you need to take. Your ego will try to take control of your hopes and dreams, to protect you from the possibility of failure, guilt, overwhelm and all those obstacles. You can be grateful for that protection, but not let it take over.

Instead, you can balance the ego by learning to think with your heart - to tap into your heart’s desire. That’s the only way for your BIG dream to grow. You’ll be more moved to take action when you’re guided by your heart and from a place of passion.

To let go of the ego and control you’ll need to have faith. Admit to yourself that you’re scared of the obstacles you see ahead. Tell yourself that you’re going to trust your inner voice and your intuition. That you’re going to trust that you’re on the path that you are supposed to be on and that your steps are leading you where you want to go.

When you let go of control, embrace your heart’s desire and show trust and faith, each step you take will be more deliberate and full of the energy you’ll need to keep on track. My wish for you is a happy holiday season filled with laughter, warmth and joy!

To your fulfillment,

Cara

Technorati Tags: power of desire, intuition, inner self, inner voice, desire

Over the past month you have been encouraged to take some “stillness time” and bravely examine your true feelings. We talked about how you can control only your actions and reactions and not how others act or react. That is the ultimate control. It’s not about what happens in the world around you, it’s about how you interpret it. And you do have total control over that.

When you exercise your power to control your own interpretation, then you can detach from the outcome and stay flexible and relaxed. The outcome no longer has the power to throw you off course. When you’re trying to control the outcome, you’re at the whim of everyone and everything around you to make you feel success or failure, happiness or sadness, fulfillment or devastation. So you become extremely attached to keeping things just the way you think they should be. This is similar to “organizational entropy”, the phenomenon that takes place when an organization loses the ability to grow because they become too attached, fixed and rigid. You experience that same degeneration when you become focused on results. All of your energy is spent defending how things are instead of discovering how things could be.

I hope this month’s focus on reframing your mind to a more abundant mindset has effectively illustrated how important the mind is to your actions and reactions.

With warmth and joy,
Cara

© Copyright 2007 Cara Alana

Technorati Tags: abundance, control, fulfillment, happiness, success

Last week I introduced “stillness time” as a way to listen to your true self and invited you to integrate it into your life. Acknowledge yourself for doing this ~ this process takes a lot of courage. You will know yourself in a deeper way, right down to your core. The key to realizing what will really bring fulfillment to you is to spend this time with yourself and shine the light on your thoughts and feelings.

It takes much more effort to block your brilliance than it does to express it. When in a scarcity perspective, you’re in a “fight” for what you’re sure you want. When in an abundance perspective, you’re in an effortless flow of actions, personal interactions and results that happen at the perfect times.So don’t hold back your brilliance out of fear. Let it shine through you as your natural enthusiasm and passion for the life you truly desire, and you will attract exactly what you need, exactly when you need it.Next week we will explore what is all in your control.With warmth and joy,Cara© Copyright 2007 Cara Alana

Technorati Tags: abundance, brilliance, courage, fulfillment, perspective

Last week I introduced the idea of developing a mindset of abundance and invited you to acknowledge your feelings, honor them and then release them. This week I invite you to experience a way to hone in on your true feelings in the midst of your busy life.

Most of the time this is happening under the surface – you have a negative thought or feeling, and you react to it. As you’re going on through your busy life, you may not know why all of a sudden you don’t feel motivated to take that action towards the life of fulfillment that you really want.

There’s another reason to get to know your inner world a bit better. It’s the only place you can control. You can’t control or change someone else’s thoughts, words or actions, but you can change your reactions to them. Introspection is powerful!

That’s why it is helpful to create a quiet time for yourself each and every day. I call it “stillness time”. First thing in the morning is the most realistic option for carving out this time – as little as 15-minutes can be incredibly powerful.

During “stillness time”, open yourself up to notice what’s going on inside of you. What feelings and thoughts are speaking to you most loudly, and which ones are whispering but still need to be heard?

Next week we will be looking at the experience of an effortless flow of actions.

With warmth and joy,
Cara

© Copyright Dr. Cara Alana

Technorati Tags: abundance, fulfillment, stillness, introspection, feelings

When you’re trying to reach for what you really want, negative thoughts and self-talk can be overwhelmingly powerful. Have you ever talked yourself out of action and into the comfort zone?

Your perspective is essential to your success, and that is where reframing comes in. Reframing your mind is not about denying your “negative” feelings or burying them underneath false cheer. It’s about feeling and acknowledging your true emotions and then choosing an abundant perspective instead of a scarcity one.

Most negative thinking reflects a scarcity perspective – messages that tell you, “There is not enough out there for me,” or “The odds are against me.” An abundant perspective is one that sends positive messages – “I can have everything I need and want!” “There is unlimited potential all around me.” This month is devoted to reframing your thoughts so that you can live a life of fulfillment, staying true to your purpose.

The first step is to acknowledge your feelings, whether negative or positive, and fully experience it. Only then can you release it and move beyond it. You will then be free to reframe your mind with an abundant perspective and choose a mindset of peace.

Next week we will discuss how quiet time can bring clarity in the midst of a busy life.

With warmth and joy,
Cara

© Copyright Dr. Cara Alana

Technorati Tags: abundance, feelings, fulfillment, introspection, stillness.

I live in Southern California where wildfires recently raged through, burning more land than the Hawaiian island of Oahu. The closest fire to me was deliberately and professionally set and mostly 90% contained as I write this due to wind shifts and cooler temperatures. It filled the air with a giant amount of smoke, ash and harmful chemicals. The air and sky were an ugly brownish color and the sun appeared red. Your eyes burned and you could not take a full breath. Even with every window in your house tightly closed, you could smell smoke. Many times I was sure that there was a fire in my own home. Schools were cancelled for all from elementary schools to colleges. Businesses sent their employees home. Many of us watched neighborhoods burn on the 24/7 news coverage and waited for the possibility of our own evacuation orders.

You could either receive a reverse 911 call on your phone that calls for evacuation of your home, your haven. Or you could be awakened in the middle of the night by a loudspeaker from a police car announcing that you must leave most of your possessions and your dwelling behind in order to be safe from the ravishing and uncontrolled blazes that swept through Southern California from Santa Barbara to San Diego.

It really shifts your perspective of what is truly important.

The question was heavy in the air: What would you take when you have only minutes to evacuate?

For most, it was just their family, pets and photos that were saved ~ the things that could never be replaced. Even those who were not evacuated experienced a sense of loss, as the fires were a reminder of a power so huge that took so much from so many.

There were many different reactions to the fires including fear, anger, anxiety for their home and their future, worry for themselves and their loved ones, sadness, anger, physical reactions and confusion. All of them are normal.

This fire is a tragedy that we have banded together and fought with every resource we have. Very real yet surrealistic at the same time, it reminds us to look to where the true riches of our lives really are.

© Copyright 2007 Cara Alana

Technorati Tags: Southern California fires

Gail believed in her BIG dream of becoming a freelance writer. She dedicated two hours a day to her craft and was writing a book of short stories. During her day job as an accountant, she envisioned herself living a passionate life in her home office writing away full-time. Ready to take the next step, Gail was excited to leave her high prestige accountant position in order to write a novel that she had been developing. She had saved up an impressive amount to cover her expenses for one year.

So you can imagine how thrilled she was that she finally was ready to take the bold move and live her dream. She was so ready to live the writer’s life.

She shared it with her family, her friends and her co-workers. Gail expected kind and supportive words. Instead, she was hugely disappointed as she received reactions of bewildered surprise with comments such as:

“Can’t you just write in your spare time?”
“But you have a REAL job and you’re so good at it!”
“But you have a degree from one of the top Business Schools!”
“Writing? Isn’t that JUST a hobby?”
“You are a good writer but you’re excellent as an accountant.”
“You mean throw it all away for a whim?”
“Aren’t you worried about failing?”

Each of the comments reflected fear, guilt or lack of boldness. They each truly believed that they were protecting her from failure, when they were not honoring Gail’s true self.

When I first met Gail, she was filled with doubt that she had accepted from well-meaning family, friends and co-workers. Being a “pleaser,” she wanted approval from everyone. What Gail did not realize is that she had envisioned her dream, prepared for it and was ready to make it happen. She did not NEED anyone else’s approval.

I reminded Gail that her dream was hers alone and that sometimes the closer one gets to their BIG dream, the bigger obstacles seem to be. Her dream was very special and should be honored. Mostly, her writing dream needed to be protected until it was ready to stand strong against the turbulent “winds and sea” of the world. I asked her if she would be able to honor her dream and keep it private except for with her writer’s group until she felt that her dream’s “roots” were firmly grounded. With the photo of the Lone Cypress tree which stands strong and tall, she was to remember that it became that way because of being protected from the elements.

Six months later, Gail was ready to leave her accounting job for good. She told friends, family and co-workers with such passionate conviction that they were supportive. Her language and tone did not allow for criticism and fears placed upon her. As for the others that she knew would be critical? She noted that mostly all of them had been filtered out of her life in the six months or she simply did not tell them.

She was ready to take the big step to her BIG dream. And that she did.

Today Gail is a full-time freelance writer and IS living her BIG dream. The respect she has for herself is incredible. She still gets flak from some people but she has built a resilient shield around her BIG dream. And each day she is fulfilled as her BIG dream thrives.

© Copyright 2007 Cara Alana

Technorati Tags: Protecting Big Dream, Writing Dream